| I don’t mean the slow daily kind of dying that you glimpse in the mirror. I mean the, ‘oh shit this might be it!’ taste of death. I have. It wasn’t at all what I expected. Instead, it was sweet and glorious when I expected it to be bitter and scary. I posted a memory of that experience to my personal Facebook page on April 21st at 1:35 am I’m going to share it with you here as is, no editing. Not even a single keystroke, because I trust you’ll forgive the errors because I’m human and I make mistakes too. I’d like to share a disturbing experience that knocked on the door of my heart and stirred me with a glimpse of what it is to be awake. I tell my men (i.e. David , Josh and Jake) that I’m not afraid of death. I believe that I’ve lived a beautiful life, all the joy and the sorrows of my life have together given me a full and fulfilled life. I was called on my issssh last week. As I left my downtown office in the early evening last week I was hit by a car as I crossed the street. Two things first. 1. Time slowed down and I believe that my mind connected purely with my heart and spirit. I felt light and completely free as all that was left in my awareness was love and pure forgiveness. There’s aren’t words to explain what I experienced except that in what was probably a few seconds I ran through a list of each of my loved ones and brought them each to mind. as one example for my boys, I nodded to myself and said no I wasn’t perfect but yes I’ve done my best for you and you have my journals and our shared memories to bring me to mind. I experienced the last word text and smile we exchanged and I did this with everyone I love to include my closest friends. 2. I am amazed and reveling in the mystery and intelligence of the body. If I hadn’t reacted by reaching out to block or push myself away from the car I would probably have ended up under this guys tires. Instead, I caught air and I’m only sore, mostly in my shoulder and inner chest. The crappy part is that it was a hit and run. I’m cool with the guys choice to leave. I’m sure his only thought was that he didn’t want to get in trouble, a witness chased the car to get the license plate but I don’t know yet if they’ve figured out who he is. But this matters not I think that was where the forgiveness feeling came in, I’ve forgiven this guy myself and everything that I have harbored in my heart either consciously or subconsciously, for my entire life. This in and by itself is my gift. Just amazing. My own Easter. Two things about this 1. After dinner, I facilitated a 20/40 year life plan and strategy session with David. My body was still in shock and for some odd reason my need was to outline my long term life path. Odd I know. I’m a crooked pencil. 🙂 2. I am inspired to step it up, show up and lead with love. Love one & another is what I’ve decided is my single message to deliver 1 million different ways in my extraordinary daily life with family and friends, through my chosen labor of love (where I serve a shared mission with the perfect souls in that tall building downtown) with my new yoga friends (teacher training graduation is this Sunday- yeahhhhh) and finally the most exciting work of developing and sharing my Love.Being.Human thought system and technique where I intend to guide, write and teach a tool that moves us closer to conscious choices through pattern interrupts, because the only thing we truly own is our action. Evolving into our best self not as a competition or comparison of us to others but as an awareness of our current state and a movement towards our own best self. ( a shout out to Mrs. Rebecca Polvi for encouraging and at the same time tempering and redirecting my passion back to the first step, then the next as the ideas are flying around. You have a wonderful gentle way and I am forever grateful) These things I know without a doubt will light the lamp that shines in my heart moving through me in the actions of my hands and feet as I walk my path to full personhood. and now I can go to sleep, without reviewing or editing my ranting (for now). good night 🙂 Death sharpened life and brought it into focus for me. I still forget (daily), but it takes less time for me to remember and move myself back into a better space. Everything we face in our lives is a choice between love or fear. Fear dresses itself up as all kinds of stuff and is a seductive tricky little booger. Remember that there’s no rush, give yourself space stillness and just wait until the dust settles, if you can’t distinguish one from the other. Consider our experience, being human as a simple daily path moving us towards love through our connection with ourselves and each other. Are you moving toward love or away from fear? Because there’s a big difference there. We are all dying and it’s ok, Vivian |
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